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DO tell the family how sorry
you are about the child’s death and about the pain they must be
feeling.
DO recognise that grieving has no time limit and varies from
individual to individual in the way they express their grief.
DO allow them to express as much grief as they are able and are
willing to share with you.
DO allow them to talk about their loss as much and as often as
they want to.
DO be available to listen.
DO encourage them to be patient with themselves and not to
expect too much of themselves.
DO encourage them to not impose any ‘shoulds’ or ‘I should be’
on themselves.
DO let your genuine concern and caring show.
DO talk about your memories of the child who has died and the
special qualities that made the child endearing.
DO remember important days such as birthdays, the death
anniversary, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, and any other
significant day, which may be difficult. A telephone call,
visit, or card means a great deal to a bereaved parent.
DO appreciate that your bereaved relative or friend doesn’t
always return phone calls right away.
DO appreciate that nothing you say will ever make the bereaved
parent sadder than the reality of what has happened to their
child.
DO talk in your natural tone of voice.
DO continue to support bereaved parents well beyond the first
few days. The weeks after this are often harder when everyone
else around them returns to normal.
DO be sensitive that being in the presence of other children of
similar age to the child who died may make the bereaved parent
uncomfortable.
DO expect that your relationship with the bereaved parent might
change. When you are bereaved, every relationship is affected in
one way or another.
DO SAY:
You’re entitled to grieve.
It must be difficult to see the meaning in this right now.
You must really miss ….
I’d like to help you through it.
It’s OK to feel hurt and to grieve.
Let me help, no matter how long it takes. |
DON’T allow your own fears
from preventing you from offering support to the bereaved.
DON’T wait until you know the perfect thing to say. Just say
whatever is in your heart or say nothing at all. Just being
there is often comfort enough.
DON’T avoid mentioning their loss or the child’s name out of
fear of reminding them of their pain (they haven’t forgotten
it!)
DON’T change the subject when they mention their child who has
died.
DON’T tell them what they should feel or do.
DON’T avoid the bereaved parents because you are uncomfortable
(being avoided by friends adds pain to an already painful
experience).
DON’T point out that at least they have their other children
(children are not interchangeable; they can not replace each
other).
DON’T suggest that they should be grateful for their other
children.
DON’T tell them not to cry. It hurts us to see them cry and
makes us sad. But, by telling them not to cry, we are trying to
take their grief away.
DON’T try to find something positive (eg a moral lesson, closer
family ties, etc.) about the loss.
DON’T be afraid if you make your bereaved friend or relative
cry.
DON’T think that good news (family wedding, pregnancy, job
promotion, etc.) cancels out grief.
DON’T have expectations for what bereaved parents should or
should not be doing at different times in their grief.
DON’T forget the other members of the family (grandparents,
uncles, aunts, close friends, etc.) who may need your support
too.
DON’T force bereaved people to talk about their loss. They will
engage you when the time is right.
DON’T assume that when a grieving parent is laughing, they are
over anything or grieving less.
DON’T SAY
It was God’s will
It was meant to be
He’s in a better place now
‘If you need anything call me’ because the bereaved don’t always
know how to call and ask for support
Time heals all wounds
I know just how you feel
You are still young enough to have more children
Are you not over it yet?
At least you have other children
Your child is in a better place
It was for the best
Now you will have an angel in heaven
It could have been worse
You have to get on with your life now
Life must go on
You must keep busy
You’ve got to be strong for the children |
